Leave This to the Professionals

Apparently not to be outdone by a pair of old tossers (see yesterday's post), Pete Doherty not only fills a car with drugs... he steals it, too. The best part? The two guys in the car with him were aged 18 and 19! The guy is incredible. Of course, this would all be more impressive if "Pete Doherty" hadn't been created from whole cloth by the KLF.

So someone help a brother out: HOW MANY TIMES HAS PETE DOHERTY BEEN ARRESTED? Google failed me, but I have to know the total.

Breakin' the Law: Aging Pop Stars Edition

First the FBI and British Secret Service interrogate dangerous terrorist Steven Patrick Morrissey. Then George Michael is found slumped in his car surrounded by either marijuana, pills, or both... and promptly arrested. George then admits the whole thing is "my own stupid fault." Is today Totally Awesome Day, or what?

Unrelated: If you've never seen Crispin Glover utterly horrify David Letterman, you should really check it out. Classic television. [Thanks, Patrick]

Finally, REST IN PEACE, MR. FURLEY.

Coked Up and Flying Right

No matter how you feel about Kate Moss, something tells me you need to see this video. Not safe for work. Hell, not really safe for anywhere. All I can say for sure is this: Merry Christmas, Lance!

Not Dead, but Getting There

The management is happy to announce that *bitter defeat* still exists. However, a recent move and a general lack of inspiration have conspired to prevent any posts in nearly a week. Bottom line? I got nothin'. Also, I am getting sick... again. So in addition to a dearth of worthwhile material and a general feeling on ennui, I seem to have the constitution of a malnourished eleven-year-old in a Romanian orphanage.

So please e-mail some funny/interesting/depressing/scary stuff and let's get this party started.

I'm Turning in My Vietnamese Passport

Vietnam has banned drinking in Karaoke bars.

That's like banning water in swimming pools.

Open Letter to Anyone Who Actually Supports the Patriot Act and Other Domestic-Spying Initiatives

Dear Fuckface,

Do you really believe this will be an isolated incident?

Right. Me neither. Asshole.

Love,

All Us Irrational Commie Jew Fag Liberals

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood

Applebee's is, without question, the finest restaurant on the planet. [Thanks Greg]

Also, I just found out that The Walkmen are opening for the Pogues on St. Patrick's Day. And St. Paddy's is on a Friday this year. And it's sold out. And I have no ticket.

I seriously think I might cry like a little girl.

At least I'm not one of the 50 Most Loathsome People on the Planet. (As far as I know, I'm barely in the top 150). Number 48 is especially brilliant.

**ZOMBIE UPDATE** Zombie Apocalypse Playlist from the Village Voice

Happy Valentine's Day*

*Brought to you by the American Greetings Corporation

Tropical Envy Syndrome

Yesterday I felt so very superior. Here I am, basking in the warm Miami sun, while New York was expecting some snow. Lucky lucky me, right? Fast-forward to today. It's (relatively) cold here, not sunny at all... and I've missed New York's biggest snowstorm since the 1940s!! While everyone sends text messages about where and when the snowball fight is, I get to worry about whether my flight home is going to be cancelled. Enjoy your schadenfreude, bitches.

Luckily last night, while drinking wine from 1945, I scored free center-court tickets to this afternoon's Heat-Pistons game! You win some, you lose some. Easy come, easy go. I am awesome, I am rad.

Speaking of my awesomeness, today I found out that I have been translated into Chinese. Seriously. Somehow an article I wrote about Ladytron a few years ago has reappeared on some Chinese Web site. I feel so... worldly. Tomorrow I will probably curl into a ball and cry about my inadequacies, but today I am the globally-published owner of wicked-good basketball tickets.

Winter Olympics from the Tropics

Greetings from beautiful Miami. Well, it actually looks like rain... but yesterday was beautiful. And at least it isn't snowing.

So liveblogging the Winter Olympics from Miami is kinda stupid (plus, it's not "live"), but since I have this massive widescreen with HDTV, it's almost as good as being there. So far, only one thing worthwhile has happened: seven minutes into the third period of the Sweden vs. Russia women's hockey game; 40 seconds left in a Sweden power play with Russia down by two goals, the reds call a time-out. The music? Europe's "The Final Countdown," perhaps? "We Will Rock You" or maybe "Hot in Herre?" Nope. Try "It's Raining Men." I swear to god... time-out in a hockey game (even a women's hockey game) is no time for "It's Raining Men." Come on, Europeans! Not even the Italians are that cheesy. What, did you lose the "hockey" tape and put in the "ice dancing" tape in a panic?

More Olympic goodness to come. Gotta go get in the pool now... bitches!

Diplomacy in Action

The level of international debate just keeps going up and up... as demonstrated by this AP headline:

Hezbollah Leader to Bush: 'Shut Up'

This is the biggest comic controversy since Elaine submitted a stolen Ziggy to The New Yorker. ("That irreverence, that wit. I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine, to my archives!")

Do I Detect a Theme?

Along with New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle," Vitalic's "Poney, Pt. 1" is probably my favorite dance track of all time. Today I saw the video. Um. Wow. I'm glad I hadn't taken a sip of water, because my monitor would be soaked right now. Spit-take amazing. I won't ruin it, but I will say that the song's big, evil sound (It's probably Dracula's favorite dance track, too.) is completely undermined by the video. Just go watch it immediately.

That I should see the video today is made eery weird by the fact that I was reading Malcolm Gladwell's New Yorker article about pit bull profiling this morning. [Sorry, no link. You'll have to track down the Feb. 6 issue to read.] Very weird. Makes me wanna go pee on a fire hydrant.

Speaking of The New Yorker, the current issue has Sasha Frere-Jones reviewing the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album. (Wait, he writes about white musicians too??) There's nothing more pathetic than that guy trying to distill the (not-so-)new hottness for a readership of upper-middle-class 45-year-olds in New Hampshire. Just stick to Paul Simon and Bonnie Raitt.

RIP Gandpa Munster

I can't believe no one told me Al Lewis died.

Les Yeux sans Visage

A dramatization:

"So the craziest thing happened to me last night. After putting on my Alpo lipstick and neglecting to feed my dog for, like, a week, I took, like, 50 sleeping pills and totally passed out. Then, when I woke up three days later and tried to light a cigarette, I just couldn't get it to stay in my mouth. It was totally weird. After, like, 20 tries, I finally realized that the bottom of my face was, like, totally gone. I also noticed that Fifi (that's my dog) looked really guilty. Anyway, long story short, I'm the best candidate anyone could come up with for the world's first face transplant."

Profoundly awesome: Brangelina meets Sonic Youth

In keeping with my new love affair with "stoner metal," I bring you the new hottness: THE SWORD. Imagine playing Dungeons & Dragons with Satan, Ozzy, and a bass amp the size of Mount Rushmore. Yeah... veeeeery heavy.

"I don't know any 'Zartan'." (Hearty thanks to Matt for this amazing flashback.)

Finally, thanks (I think) to the management's Legal Counsel for sending along the strangest video I've seen all year. I can't really describe it, but it involves Boards of Canada.

Cold Comfort

How can something so cute possibly provide inaccurate meteorological data?

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. After seeing the brilliant Dennis Quaid vehicle The Day After Tomorrow, I consider the little guy's prediction of six more weeks of winter to be somewhat modest. I mean, if that film is at all accurate (And it's a movie, so how can it not be?), then seeing a groundhog shadow should indicate an additional eon of freezing wastelands anywhere north of Mexico. So thanks for nothing, you adorable, cuddly little bundle of happiness!

Some Groundhog fun facts.

On a slightly less insane note, my good friend Jake has launched a Web site dedicated to esoteric and adventurous foods. My reactions to the recipes ranged from hunger to horror, but each entry in Unique Culinary Adventures is interesting at the very least. I can attest to Jake's skill as a chef... plus the guy makes the tastiest cocktails I've ever had.

Finally... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LURCH!